It is harder than it seems or sounds. The only thing I’m hoping is that, I can finally be neutral. Like a friend’s status “If you love a person but you don’t wanna jeopardize your friendship with him/her, just…let the feelings go.”
A good buddy of mine said “ Kalau kau mati dengan menyimpan perasaan menyukai seseorang, kau dikira mati syahid tau. Hikhik.” Then I replied “Kalau aku beritahu orang lain tapi dia still tidak tahu, nanti boleh mati syahid jugak eh?” She answered “ Hmm. Tak kot. Memang tak boleh beritahu sesiapa. Sebab tu aku tak beritahu kau siapa aku suka. Hahaha ;p”
So yeah, that’s pretty clear. I wont be telling anyone after this. But somehow, am I capable of doing that? I enquire myself. Haha ;)
Now, three close friends already knew my secret. Makin ramai. Oh man, its extremely difficult for me to keep mum about my ongoing issues. I couldnt help from sharing my things with other people, especially the ones I always talk to. I can simply let the cat go out of the bag!
As time passes by, more and more people are talking about marriage. Yes, I’m 22, and yeah, I’m undoubtedly young! And why the hell do the people keep asking me when to tie a knot? Sometimes, outsiders (not necessarily neighbours next door, I mean, the big family-uncles, aunts, cousin, all blood ties) are the ones pressuring my parents & myself. Not exactly giving pressure, but you know, the questions related to special friend, bla bla bla. The worst case is that, because of my age which they believe to be the right time knowing ‘someone’, they’d be surprise when I say ‘kawan adalah.’ They’d be like “ Lahhh. Xkan xde yang special kot?” Most of the time, deep inside, I just wanna yell “ betullah xde!” Then thinking that they’re oldies, I somehow ought to be respectful to them. So I’d just present them a bitter smile.
Loser lah. Never had an ex, currently dating no one. Crush? Many. Tapi crush je lah. Until present, I’d never do a confession. I think I couldn’t bear getting rejected. Or worst, losing a friend. So after some time, the feeling just fades away. The hardest was having someone as the apple of my eyes for three years, without meeting each other. I stalked his page every day, oh no, not every day, it was every time I logged in my facebook. Pretty crazy yeah? HAHA ;p
No, I’m lunatic no more. It’s the end of liking him. Move to next please! :D
There’s a kid I’m attached to. Not really actually, its just a confusion. Coz I couldn’t be firm of what I feel; if I really like him. And I don’t stalk his page every day; I seldom look up at his updates (I believe its quite surprising when I don’t really miss him). But while writing this; I’m listening to a song, which reminds me of him.
Huh. I feel tired. New face please! I miss having the good old times, macam crush dalam bas pergi sekolah dulu, or budak tuition ke. Comel oh. So therefore, please, ada budak utm yang comel masuk praktikal this coming 16th. Coz now I’m all alone doing nothing! Bored while wishing ‘cepatlah pukul 1, nak makan’ and I usually ended up napping in the lab!
Till then amigos, toodles!
Shafuraa Onn. 090511. 1830. BBU, JB.