I’m still learning to really understand myself- how I’d react to conditions and situations, how I’d manipulate things, how I’d define problems, causes and consequences…u know, stuff like that. The more I try, the more complicated a thing sometimes be. And most of the time, u just cant figure matters out when they popped in seconds. You would be wishing…if only I did that, if only it turned out to be slightly better, if only this and that. And all u need is time to get things down to the roots and it is when you really believe that u subjected to life. Not the other way round.
As for myself, several times I realised that I overanalysed things. A simple one would turn out messy, and a big one would become a headache. And to be worst, I always drive a matter to my pathway of negative thoughts. Until someone wakes me up. And most of the time too, I just need maybe 10 mins to get myself back to neutral, no more or less, having positive thinking back on track. There are like some arguments running inside of me, emotionally, physically and what not. And if that’s the way of me understanding myself, I couldn’t be more grateful. Coz if that’s what God has created for me, I know its for the best in me as His servant.
I cant successfully describe what type of person I am, though I’ve lived for already 2 decades now. Coz for the last couple of yrs, I was alarmed if I couldn’t stand a person for a long time. This never happens on best buddies (as for now) but occasionally, this happens on friends. Initially, everything is so damn good- we do things together, we laugh, we ride on bikes, we share stories and problems…we do things that friends would do together. But after some time, I’d find myself suffocated with him/her. Stuff that we enjoyed doing has become a boring one and what I’d do is to avoid that person. I’m pretty well aware that he/she isn’t at any fault, but I’m very much suffocated with everything. As far as I can remember, there’re 4 persons I feel guilty on. I just need some time off. That’s all. I wouldn’t call our friendship a day coz u guys have been so helpful to me. Really.
Maybe, I’m a type of God’s creature that needs challenges in relationships. Maybe I cant stand something that is alright all day long. I need ups and downs (but I prefer ups more frequent) getting to know someone so that I always have new chapter to learn about that particular person. I rarely can stand having no tongue-tied or quarrels in a relationship. Coz when everything seems ok from our naked eyes as we intended to hide real feelings of matters just to get along well with a person, we are actually lying to ourselves and sooner or later, a boredom would definitely strike.
I have always believed that doubting people is a part of trying to know them and trust is actually giving up on trying to understand other. That’s the reason why I don’t fully trust a person coz behind every lies and secrets, there’s always something to learn about, regardless of who’s wrong. It is the time when u add knowledge about yourself and others. It is when you define things in life. It is when you actually grow up upon time.