220213

The ugly truth is, we probably wanted different things out of this relationship. You have that husband-material every girl is dying for, I fell for it too. Its just that, hmm, maybe I watch korean dramas too much, that I was hoping you to be romantic sweet adorable guy with full of surprises blablabla. I know this sounds hell cliche and childish. I'm sorry.

I'm not mad at you, so stop worry.

I need to sit back, relax and unwind. A space might be more than enough.

" Do not ask for more. "

An article said. Am I asking you too much?

Again, I'm terribly sorry.

Maybe, we're in a comfort zone, that we do nothing to please each other, unlike we used to. And I'm missing every single moment of that.

For the weakness of my part, I apologize.

I dont know how to tell you this, without us having tongue-tied.

If you think I'm being emotional, its your right.

All I wanted, was to feel normal.




SO. 0221. Bangi.

Dugaan

When will all of this end? I'm tired.

Why are you doing this to us? For us or for your own self?

Its not fair, its not fair.

I'm afraid if I'd finally be able to speak up, I'd be rude.

You know what, we do not want all of these.

We have so much priorities ahead, than to sit down and do your work.

I wonder if you're happy to see us like this.

Dont u see our gloomy faces?

Cant you read our mind?

Cant you put yourself in our shoes?

I guess you really cant.

For the day I'd talk what I want, thats what I'm counting for,

right now.



SO. Kajang Selangor. 230711. 0036.

Payphone

If "Happy Ever After" did exist,
I would still be holding you like this
All those fairy tales are full of shit
One more fucking love song, I’ll be sick.

Where have the times gone, baby it’s all wrong
Where are the plans we made for two?



SO. 220612. 2300. Kajang, Selangor.

Takut

Hati ini Allah yang pegang, hati ini Allah yang pegang, hati ini Allah yang pegang.


" Dia sudah berubah."

Aku masih teringat si polan bercerita padaku. Waktu mendengarnya, aku jadi takut.

" Dia marah-marah, maki-maki..."


Perubahan berlaku sekelip mata. Si polan tidak tahan, mereka putus, dan terus bergaduh.

Si dia yang aku kenal, hmm, biasa-biasa saja orangnya. Aku pernah melihatnya marah, tetapi dia bukanlah seorang yg emosional. Aku menilainya sama seperti orang lain, yang marah bersebab. Sepanjang berkawan dengannya, dia tidak pernah membuatku marah/sedih. Memang aku tidak rapat pun dengannya sebelum ini. Sekadar kawan "hai hai bai bai".

Setelah mendengar cerita si polan, aku menganggap, mungkin si dia bukannya berubah, tetapi he's just revealed his true colours. Ataupun, kalau ikutkan cerita si polan, si dia ini mungkin telah terkena buatan orang. Entahlah. Wallahualam.

Manusia ini senang nak berubah, ke arah positif mahupun negatif.

Sesungguhnya, hati ini Dia yang jaga.

Takut dan paranoid, serba sedikit menggambarkan apa yang aku rasa sekarang. Aku takut situasi yang sama berlaku padaku, ataupun pada mereka2 yang aku sayang.

- Bagaimana sekiranya aku menjadi lebih pemarah dan agresif daripada sekarang?

- Bagaimana sekiranya ayahku menjadi panas baran dan suka memukul?

- Bagaimana sekiranya ibuku berubah hati dan tidak menyayangi kami lagi?

- Bagaimana sekiranya tiada toleransi dalam keluargaku?

- Bagaimana sekiranya yang berubah itu, suamiku sendiri, selepas kami bernikah?

Dan paling perlu diingatkan, iman juga boleh berubah.

Ya Allah, sesungguhnya aku takut.


"Tetapkanlah hati kami untuk berbuat kebaikan, Ya Rabb."




SO. 230512. 2135. Kajang, Selangor.

R, RM & BM

Lama dah tak tengok kau on field. Seriously R, aku nak sangat tengok kau lawan BM kames ni. Tapi macam tak dapat je, sebab kawan aku teringat yang dia ada hal. Memang tak ah kalau aku kena turun mamak sorang-sorang pukul 2-3 pagi. Agak-agak aku terlebih berani nanti, aku turun jugak kot. ;) kalau keberanian aku terbatas, full hope jelah yang boleh aku letak atas korang. All the best RM, may you succeed. With love, SO.




Kajang. 240412. 2009.

180412

It has been exactly a year tough without you.

Only He knows how much I miss you. Sorry for not being strong.

Its not that I'm hoping you to still be living, I'm just missing your existence and care.

I miss everything about you.

Too many things happened after you gone away. I stumbled lots of time.

Somehow, I feel like you're listening to me.

You were such a great man, I miss you.

You were a good cook, I miss your cooking.

You knew how to sew, you sewed my school badge.

You sent me to school when abah wasnt around, or when I had to be in school early.

You bought me all my fav. junk food.

You killed those frightening cockroaches.

You attended my report card day, met my teacher.

You educate me with your stories and life experiences.

All and all, most importantly, you gave me love, care and attention. I can feel it until now.


I'll remember you until my last breath.

Dear Allah The Almighty, please put my grandpa Haji Ibrahim Mohammed along the pious ones, with those you loved and blessed. Alfatihah.



SO. 180412. 0441. Kajang, Selangor.

Weak

Jujur, aku penat dan stress.

200212. It was a crystal-clear bad decision.

he didn’t understand, she partially did. I guess only He knows best.

I couldn’t focus any longer. I just want to end this now.

Everyone has self-limitation, I just reached mine.

Everyone has strength, I just broke mine.

Everyone has at least a little bit of patience, even this I lost.

It’s good to challenge yourself, but I have nothing left to beat.

I couldn’t stay, I don’t even want to.

I might tear their hearts, what else could I do?

Even if I didn’t do it now, I’m sure I’ll do it later. That’s even more evil, I’m just postponing my apology literally.

I couldn’t stay, I don’t want to.

I’m sorry, for at least, now.




SO. 110412. Rompin. 2129.

1146

Over-expecting. Nobody can ever provide your every need. When will I understand? I guess I never will. Coz I'm the one who is always, over-expecting.

Truth hurts and reality bites.

Sometimes salty, sometimes hot, most of the time bitter.

Too much spice?

I call it life.

I actually call it me.

I, again, failed to get the hang of you.





SO. 020412. 1245. Kajang, Selangor.

060312

Bukan taknak, tapi belum mampu. Dah cuba tapi tak berjaya. Bagaimana mereka melakukannya buat aku tertanya. Entah, mungkin aku belum kuat atau mereka yg terlalu hebat. Sungguh aku cemburu melihat kejayaan mereka.

Sabar menanti hari aku benar2 ikhlas, seperti mereka.





SO. 1955. Kajang, Selangor.

240212

So much in mind, couldnt even find a place to rest.

I wish I didnt know your past.

Its my fault, its my fault.

Making a relationship isnt hard, maintaining it is.

I've had enough.




SO. 2308. Home.

9 months

Exactly 9 months you left us for The Lord. There’s no word to describe how much I miss you that every time I think of you, I failed to control my tears. But I believe you’re happy there.


We’ll meet each other soon.


-Al-fatihah-




SO. 180112. 0105. Kajang, Selangor.

Ilham

Gagalku ingat bila ia terjadi, tapi yang aku pasti kesannya ada hingga kini.

Ia seakan memanggil, aku terpanggil mendekatinya. Luarannya ringkas namun ia seakan memberi penerangan kepadaku. Seperti juga mind-reader, ia tahu apa yang membuat semak di fikiranku. Ku tatapi satu-satu, indah dan penuh hikmah.

Kra, puitis namanya. Pertama kali bertemunya, aku rasa ia misteri. Hingga kini, aku tidak nampak ia lagi. Bukan kerana tidak berkesempatan, tetapi…entah. Takut barangkali. Tapi takut apa? Terguris? Mungkin.

Ia membawaku keluar dari comfort zone yang dah lebih dua dekad lamanya. Sebab itu aku rasa ia misteri dan hebat. Aku degil orangnya, dan ia sedikit sebanyak membantuku, menyedarkanku akan kelamnya syurga duniaku.

Kebanyakan bait katanya membuatku terasa. Masakan tidak. Kita senang-lenang berada dalam kehidupan kurang betul yang membahagiakan, tiba-tiba, datang (dan aku merelakan) ia memberi hujah, menyuruh melakukan sesuatu yang sangat jarang aku lakukan. Sanggupkah aku menerimanya?

Di sebalik semua katanya itu, hatiku terdetik bila ia menyebut sesuatu yang pernah aku fikirkan dahulu, namun aku lupa kerana malas mengambil tahu. Dijelasnya panjang lebar, lapang dada hatiku terbuka.

Dan kini, aku menyahut seruannya perlahan-lahan. Walaupun lama dah kami tidak bertemu, aku yakin ia hidup – it’s a living soul. Kalau bukan padaku, aku yakin ia beranak pada orang lain. Aku pasti sesiapa yang pernah disapanya akan tercalit keinsafan yang mendoakan istiqamah dalam kehidupan yang patut dijalankan seperti digambarkan Al-Quran.

“Ya Allah, semoga aku terus istiqamah walaupun pada saat pendorong kebaikan kepadaku hilang dari pandangan.”

I wont forget you. InsyaAllah, akanku cari engkau lagi bila berkesempatan.




SO. UKM Bangi. 130112.

010112

Woke up late, macam dah seminggu tak jumpa katil. Had a bad dream. Thought I'm ready if that really happens, hakikatnya, sentap jugak.

Mata kiri still bergerak-gerak, make it a week now. Kenapa eh?

First day of 2012, I cant believe i'm gonna be 23. It feels and sounds so damn old.


Ahh. Ngantuk lagi. Sungguh membuntukan.




Yes, awak cute. Tapi awak ni budak sangat. Mengeja pn tak khatam lagi.




SO. 1550. Kajang Selangor.

:DD

When someone else did more-or-less the same genre like yours, but in different views and perspectives just to make everything clearer and wiser, plus ur goals and his are similar - knowledge-hunting for His love, u'd be amazed and thankful.


http://www.harunyahya.com/books/science/termites/termites_04.php


Thank you. :D

Falling slowly

I don't know you but I want you
All the more for that
Words fall through me and always fool me
And I can't react

You have suffered enough and what with yourself
It's time that you won

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time, raise your hopeful voice
You had the choice, you've made it now

Falling slowly, eyes that know me
And I can't go back
Moods that take me and erase me
And I'll paint it black

Games that never amount
To more than they're meant
Will play themselves out

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time, raise your hopeful voice
You had the choice, you've made it now




SO. 211211. Kajang, Selangor.

131211

Beautiful date yet a bad day indeed.

Fever. And first day of time of the month. So I'm physically and emotionally unstable. Tersadai kat rumah, kerja apepun x siap. Back-pain of already a week. And I'm hungry too. Nak masak xde minyak. Maka lengkaplah penderitaan gua. Feels like going home again this week, pastu taknak balik sini dah.


Haih. Nak buat ape ni? =.=





SO. 1709. Kajang Selangor.

What happened on 031211.

1. It was Saturday. Had a good sleep the night before so I decided to go freshen up. And KLCC was chosen.

2. Loitering around is always easy but tiring, and this gets worse when I didn’t find my cup of tea on handbags as well as jeans.

3. Bought a top and a pashmina - out of my list. Argh.

4. I should start having milk in my everyday diet. My bones are cracking especially the ankles and fingers on the feet.

5. Salesmen of Isetan were I guess, charming, physically I mean. Was it a trick of the store to get more people attracted? I’d say it was.

6. Nobody wants to be sinned. But temptations are always there. And I failed to control myself. I feel bad. Isk.

7. Heard a conversation. Men change when they’re married? No more sweet talking, less understanding, tired of everything. Perhaps, patience sounds so bizarre to their ears as they only know to get mad easily. On whom? The wife, of course. One of numerous things I could not tolerate is, when a woman gets bullied. Gender-biased phenomena is still in our society? Pathetic.


"There's a side of me I wouldnt want you to know."




SO. 051211. 0019. Kajang, Selangor.

291111

Self-quality time is slowly decreasing, and I hate this part of my life.

What I’m feeling right now reminds me of how wonderful my days were couple of years back. I still remember my first few days in the uni - getting late to classes, copying assignments, club meetings, choral speaking practices and much more. Final year was tough though. And I still bear in mind for every single bit of the experiences. That’s how I got here now.

Studying is never easy. Nevertheless, I still have some time off of books. I went jogging to ease my mind after hours of memorizing notes, I met up friends during weekends, and I slept like half-day long when there’s no class on certain days.

And I miss doing those. Now that I’m working, I have very little time for myself. I feel like I’m abandoning my own self-care – xde jogging dah, muka comot, skin rashes kena gigit serangga, lengkaplah penderitaan gua. I’d have to go for fieldwork every fortnight, and outdoor cases are unexpected - expedition, seminar and so on. I got fatigue on weekends, so I’d just rest at home. And watch tv. And browse thru facebook and email. And that’s it. Sounds pretty boring, and believe me, it is duller than it may sound.

If it is up to me, I don’t wanna do anything right now. I really wanna have my hands off of pen and test-pad. I just want to have a year break. How I wish it’d be possible.

For recent, it is not only the changing phase of studying to working. My life is undergoing differences in terms of the seriousness of every decision I make. Every single yes or no contributes to future. Yeah, just follow the flow you may say to lighten up the burden in your mind and heart. But how hard gambler we really are?

Had a chat earlier with one and only brother-in-law, Hairie. We talked randomly-my future other half, politics, science, development of Malaysia, religions and so on. When talking to him, I always take him as a spokesperson for Mars creatures. And yes, for some cases and situations, he gives me a contrast view compared to what I might be thinking as a Venus's. Since my love life has never been as easy one, he told me that

"Keep looking on."

I still remember his elaboration that makes him say the above statement, but I dont feel like spilling it out here. I prefer to keep it concealed myself.


“ Gua mahu lari jauh-jauh for few days, without hand phone so nobody is able to reach me. Wait. Where’s my calendar?”




SO. 0004. 291111. Kajang, Selangor.

2011.2011

"Try not to depend on others sangat tau." - Somebody close, 171111.
I couldnt agree more.


And all I need is self-assurance, the answer of how to be independent.


Yes, I value self-quality time, as much as I value those important in my life.


Today's date is beautiful. Just like you. Thank u.




SO. 2305. Kajang, Selangor.

141111

" Jujur, aku sedang makan hati. Tak mengapalah, ini mungkin hanya hasutan syaitan sahaja. Depa mana nak kita hidup suka ria senang happy happy. "





SO. 2347. Kajang Selangor.