180412

It has been exactly a year tough without you.

Only He knows how much I miss you. Sorry for not being strong.

Its not that I'm hoping you to still be living, I'm just missing your existence and care.

I miss everything about you.

Too many things happened after you gone away. I stumbled lots of time.

Somehow, I feel like you're listening to me.

You were such a great man, I miss you.

You were a good cook, I miss your cooking.

You knew how to sew, you sewed my school badge.

You sent me to school when abah wasnt around, or when I had to be in school early.

You bought me all my fav. junk food.

You killed those frightening cockroaches.

You attended my report card day, met my teacher.

You educate me with your stories and life experiences.

All and all, most importantly, you gave me love, care and attention. I can feel it until now.


I'll remember you until my last breath.

Dear Allah The Almighty, please put my grandpa Haji Ibrahim Mohammed along the pious ones, with those you loved and blessed. Alfatihah.



SO. 180412. 0441. Kajang, Selangor.

Weak

Jujur, aku penat dan stress.

200212. It was a crystal-clear bad decision.

he didn’t understand, she partially did. I guess only He knows best.

I couldn’t focus any longer. I just want to end this now.

Everyone has self-limitation, I just reached mine.

Everyone has strength, I just broke mine.

Everyone has at least a little bit of patience, even this I lost.

It’s good to challenge yourself, but I have nothing left to beat.

I couldn’t stay, I don’t even want to.

I might tear their hearts, what else could I do?

Even if I didn’t do it now, I’m sure I’ll do it later. That’s even more evil, I’m just postponing my apology literally.

I couldn’t stay, I don’t want to.

I’m sorry, for at least, now.




SO. 110412. Rompin. 2129.

1146

Over-expecting. Nobody can ever provide your every need. When will I understand? I guess I never will. Coz I'm the one who is always, over-expecting.

Truth hurts and reality bites.

Sometimes salty, sometimes hot, most of the time bitter.

Too much spice?

I call it life.

I actually call it me.

I, again, failed to get the hang of you.





SO. 020412. 1245. Kajang, Selangor.

060312

Bukan taknak, tapi belum mampu. Dah cuba tapi tak berjaya. Bagaimana mereka melakukannya buat aku tertanya. Entah, mungkin aku belum kuat atau mereka yg terlalu hebat. Sungguh aku cemburu melihat kejayaan mereka.

Sabar menanti hari aku benar2 ikhlas, seperti mereka.





SO. 1955. Kajang, Selangor.

240212

So much in mind, couldnt even find a place to rest.

I wish I didnt know your past.

Its my fault, its my fault.

Making a relationship isnt hard, maintaining it is.

I've had enough.




SO. 2308. Home.

9 months

Exactly 9 months you left us for The Lord. There’s no word to describe how much I miss you that every time I think of you, I failed to control my tears. But I believe you’re happy there.


We’ll meet each other soon.


-Al-fatihah-




SO. 180112. 0105. Kajang, Selangor.

Ilham

Gagalku ingat bila ia terjadi, tapi yang aku pasti kesannya ada hingga kini.

Ia seakan memanggil, aku terpanggil mendekatinya. Luarannya ringkas namun ia seakan memberi penerangan kepadaku. Seperti juga mind-reader, ia tahu apa yang membuat semak di fikiranku. Ku tatapi satu-satu, indah dan penuh hikmah.

Kra, puitis namanya. Pertama kali bertemunya, aku rasa ia misteri. Hingga kini, aku tidak nampak ia lagi. Bukan kerana tidak berkesempatan, tetapi…entah. Takut barangkali. Tapi takut apa? Terguris? Mungkin.

Ia membawaku keluar dari comfort zone yang dah lebih dua dekad lamanya. Sebab itu aku rasa ia misteri dan hebat. Aku degil orangnya, dan ia sedikit sebanyak membantuku, menyedarkanku akan kelamnya syurga duniaku.

Kebanyakan bait katanya membuatku terasa. Masakan tidak. Kita senang-lenang berada dalam kehidupan kurang betul yang membahagiakan, tiba-tiba, datang (dan aku merelakan) ia memberi hujah, menyuruh melakukan sesuatu yang sangat jarang aku lakukan. Sanggupkah aku menerimanya?

Di sebalik semua katanya itu, hatiku terdetik bila ia menyebut sesuatu yang pernah aku fikirkan dahulu, namun aku lupa kerana malas mengambil tahu. Dijelasnya panjang lebar, lapang dada hatiku terbuka.

Dan kini, aku menyahut seruannya perlahan-lahan. Walaupun lama dah kami tidak bertemu, aku yakin ia hidup – it’s a living soul. Kalau bukan padaku, aku yakin ia beranak pada orang lain. Aku pasti sesiapa yang pernah disapanya akan tercalit keinsafan yang mendoakan istiqamah dalam kehidupan yang patut dijalankan seperti digambarkan Al-Quran.

“Ya Allah, semoga aku terus istiqamah walaupun pada saat pendorong kebaikan kepadaku hilang dari pandangan.”

I wont forget you. InsyaAllah, akanku cari engkau lagi bila berkesempatan.




SO. UKM Bangi. 130112.